> In article <363191c3.788588@news.freeserve.net>, 
> camel$$$@altavista.net says...
> > The ball should only really be referred to as "florescent" if it glows
> > in the dark when the lights are turned off. A bright yellow ball
> > should be referred to as "Day-Glo" (TM)
> > I really can't see much use for a flourescent football myself. (unless
> > you had been taking some mind altering substances)
> > 
> > 
> Now THERE'S an idea to liven up the inevitable MOTD 0-0...

I can see it now:

best defence in the Premiership so far this season against one of the
best defences in the Premiership this decade.  Of course this means the
game is going to be, frankly, shite, so here at the BBC we've devised a
way to make the highlights a bit more entertaining.  Those of you who
watched last week should now have your free 'BBC mind-altering
substances' pack.  What we want you to do is to start by taking two of
the purple pills - my they're nice - and during the match we'll come on
to let you know what else to take in order to gain maximum pleasure from
this 0-0 draw.  Oops.

Match starts - Des, Alan, and Trevor all pop their pills.

10 minutes in and the Aston Villa back three venture across the half-way
line for the first time - Gareth Barry is the man and only does so to
make a crunching tackle on Bergkamp, who stares at him with a look of
thinly disguised contempt.  Chastened, Barry retreats back to his
penalty-box.


Des loosens his tie.

Match continues - both defences lob balls at each other while their
midfields and offences run hither and thither, looking more frustrated
all the time.  Bored, Mark Bosnich goes and throttles a visiting fan's
meat pie.

greens - careful there Trevor (Trevor spills water down his shirt) - and
that yellow and green polka-dot beetle, if you can catch it (Des starts
making stabbing motions with his pen towards the desk, spraying paper
and water everywhere).

Match continues - Bergkamp makes a run and is promptly tackled by half
of the Villa defence.  He gives them a look of thinly disguised
contempt.

The studio comes back on, and Des is heard laughing in the background
while Alan faces the camera, a bottle of malt on the table in front of
him and hair in disarray.

marking, Des?

Des doesn't answer, but the camera pans wildly to momentarily show Des
sliding off his chair and Trevor drooling.

Match continues - half-time comes.



IT'S GOT ME!!!!!!!

Match continues - both sides have made three substitutions, bringing on
defenders for attackers and midfielders.

The scene switches to the studio after 10 minutes to show three empty
chairs - a caption says 'three green ones - if you're hard enough'.

Match continues - Tony Adams and Gareth Southgate complete an
astonishing 20 consecutive passes - to each other.  Bergkamp looks at
them with thinly disguised contempt.

Back at the studio, a fleeting shot of Des being pursued by two men with
wiring cables.

Did I mention I used to play for West Ham?



Match continues - Petit manages to get the ball and makes a surging run
towards goal - unfortunately it's the wrong one, but he manages to save
the corner.  

The scene switches to the studio - all three are staring at the camera,
eyes completely glazed over.

Match continues - and, after the customary sending off of Patrick Vieria
and a Villa player selected at random, closes with a 0-0 result and no
shots on goal.

The scene switches back to the MoTD studio, where the three men now wear
glazed-but-smiling-eerily looks.

Des (after some hesitation):  So, still with us?  Where are you then?

THAT SNAKE DOING TO THAT CAMERAMAN!!!

picked off by that purple dragon there, luckily Hendrie was in position
for the outlet pass and barring his now, unusual, haircut, Southgate
should be just fine.  Ooo, I don't feel well.



Liverpool (looks at Trevor).  Hey!  You're not Mark, where's Mark?


head against the table - numerous cameramen rush in to separate them,
but, they also being far gone, most miss by yards - carnage ensues).


Roll End Credits:  Da da da be ba da da doo da.....

-- 
Alex Kamilewicz
        
      'Dude, this is pretty ****ed up, right here!'
                                                -Stan