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Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99 -- Visit UKSF.

If I could offer you one tip for the future, visiting UKSF would be it.
The long-term benefits of visiting UKSF have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my
own meandering experience which includes visits to rec.sport.soccer
and alt.sports.soccer.european.uk.  I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your posts.  Oh, never mind.  You will not
understand the power and beauty of your posts until you've been flamed. But
trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at DejaNews profiles of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how ridiculous you really sounded.  You are not as moronic
as Red Devil... Yet.

Don't worry about the future.  Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to convince a football idealist like Healy that it's
expected that you call every Manchester United player a gay limbo 
dancer at one time or another; or trying to convince Applegate that 
Kevin Keegan is the new Messiah.  The real troubles in your life are 
apt to worrying about how long Colligan can survive without inventing 
a new catchphrase, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle 
Tuesday when you hear the Doctor calling for three West Ham players 
to be called up to the England squad.

Do one thing every day that scares you... Try to find logic in a DaveB
post.

On your first day, start a vicious flame war with a regular.  But don't
expect to win.  These people are far more popular than you, and will
have backup.

Don't be reckless with words.  You're really not that articulate.  Don't
put up with people who are reckless in their ridicule of you.  Laugh along,
and pretend you get the joke.

Use an offensive sig.  If you don't know the first thing about football,
at least insult the Scots.

Don't waste your time on serious tactical posts. It's not like they'll get
in the Archive anyway.  The race for Archive positions is long, and
newcomers and one-hit wonders have as much hope of Julie J.
turning the UKSF air blue, in a brutal hate-filled flame war.

Remember flames you receive.  Forget the praise.  If you succeed
in doing this, you are either Red Devil or Harald Sjoo.

Keep your old love letters.  But remember, the chances of you ever 
sharing a bed with Vicky Conlan are slim.  The chances of you 
shagging Yardley, however, are surprisingly high.

Cross-post.  You will be flamed.  Why not get your own back by
cross-posting a thread about WWF toplessness, or anything that
involves breasts.

Don't feel guilty if nobody has ever replied to one of your posts.  It 
doesn't necessarily mean you're as popular as a condom at a lesbian
orgy.  It just means you're different.  The most interesting UKSF
posters are around 22, and don't know what to do with their lives.
The least interesting are 40-year-olds, who are married.

Get plenty of steroids.  If a flame war escalates, you'll need to be
prepared.  Be kind to Camel.  You'll miss him when he's mailbombed 
by Sjoo.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have kids, maybe
you won't.  But if you do, get them involved in a mini flame war before the
age of three.  It doesn't matter if they don't know a word of English.
They can always mix with the Scandinavians.  Whatever you do,
don't congratulate Zeigerman too much, or berate him either.  He's
far too insecure for that.  Your choices are half chance.  But if you
choose to say Philip Neville is a good player, you're an idiot.

Enjoy your body.  Use it every way you can.  Masturbate on a regular
basis.  You will be called a "wanker" or a "tosser" on at least one
occasion.  If you're going to be accused of it, you might as well do it.

Go on a UKSF night out.  But don't you dare choose a lift home over
a shag.  You're not particularly attractive.  Take what you can get.

Act like a troll on the Manchester United newsgroup, even if you don't
follow them.

Do not read Red Devil posts.  They will only make you feel more
intelligent and likeable than you really are.

Get to know Doggo.  He'll go missing from time to time, but you never
know when he'll be gone for good.  Be nice to Red Devil.  He probably
had a very difficult childhood, and is unlikely to improve until puberty
passes.

Understand that only a couple of women post to UKSF, but that
shouldn't stop you hitting on them.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in
geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the chances of 
you ever having heterosexual sex again will decrease by the hour.

Visit a naked teen newsgroup once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Visit the Manchester United newsgroup once, but leave before it 
compromises your heterosexual tendencies.

Travel... just don't let Tony Adams drive.

Accept certain inalienable truths: The Arsenal back four will go on
forever.  Tony Banks will never get the sack.  You, too, will killfile 
Red Devil.  And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were 
young, Kieron Dyer could be bought for four shillings and a marble rye, 
Manchester United fans were gracious in victory and defeat, and people 
respected Glen Bowman.

Respect Glen Bowman.  

Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy backer.  But sooner or later, you'll buy
Ashley Ward, and be relegated soon after. 
 
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40, it will 
look 5... like Teddy Sheringham's.

Be careful what questions you ask on the Championship Manager 
newsgroup.  Ask something that's in the FAQ... They'll hang you by the
testicles.  The Liverpool newsgroup is a form of nostalgia.  Visiting it
is a way of communicating with men who fondly remember a time long
ago, and try to convince themselves that somehow, Titi Camara might
be a good signing.

But trust me about killfiling Red Devil.