to add crass and offensive riders to both:

> FOOTBALL MANAGER ON CHILD ABUSE CHARGE
>"Southampton manager David Jones has been charged with nine offences
>against children. These relate to a time when he worked at a childrens 
>home on Merseyside. The former Everton player had earlier been 
>questioned by officers from Operation Care, which is investigating 
>allegations of abuse against youngsters. Mr Jones, 43, has been bailed 
>to appear before Liverpool city magistrates on November 2."

Interesting, if a tad unoriginal for the modern-day Premiership, huh?
What the article doesn't mention is that Liverpool magistrates have
promised Mr Jones that they will happily take into account Southampton's
excellent recent record against Manchester United in mitigation. So
that'll be a £250 fine, and maybe community service at a school for
deaf, blind masochistic children.

>TURKS FUMING OVER CHELSEA TREATMENT
>"Galatasaray coach Fatih Terim has accused Chelsea of "ungentlemanly and 
>disgraceful behaviour" over the pre-match arrangements for their 
>Champions League clash. Terim claims their training ground is too far 
>away, their fans have not received enough tickets and they were not 
>greeted at the airport"

Shame on Chelsea! One would have thought that as one of the five biggest
clubs in south-eastern England they would have at least had the courtesy
to offer Galatasaray their full quota of respect, if for no other reason
than to reciprocate for the fine way that English teams are always
treated in their Asian paradise.
And for Chelsea to not meet Galablahblahblah at Heathrow airport is
nothing short of scandalous. Why, Manchester United have played in
Turkey three times in the last six seasons and they've always been "met"
at the airport! In fact, those friendly Turks sometimes "met" them on
the way from the airport too, and sometimes the United players were even
"met" by Turkish police in the tunnel after the game. In fact, I believe
Steve Bruce still has a three-pound geological memento that came
crashing through the United coach window following a game in 1994.  Let's
hope for heavens sake this offending souvenir was not some vital piece
of strata pulled from a fault-line.

To continue:

>"Chelsea seem certain to recieve a hostile reception when they visit 
>Turkey for the Champions League clash against Galatasaray"

[The article doesn't specify if this would still be the case if both
teams have finished securing their elimination from the competition by
this point]

>"Coach Terim claims his side were asked too many questions in English 
>when they arrived at the airport. He said, "When they arrive in Turkey 
>they will only be asked questions in Turkish."

"Instead of their native Italian", he forgot to add.

But what is it with the Turks, what makes them jump into Rodney
Dangerfield we-don't-get-no-respec' mode whenever they enter Western
Europe? Did we do them some specific harm back in the days when Britain
ruled the universe? Did we inflict Prince Philip on them? Did we vote
for Greece at the Eurovision song contest? Are they pissed because they
live in a country replete with a zillion British tourists, yet the
locals only ever get to shag the fattest, ugliest, gingerest birds?
I'm, like, totally confuzzled.

Mr Irrelevant of Istanbul concludes, in this bizarre meld of the
ominous
and comical:

>"Whatever we've seen here will be returned when they visit us"

Yikes! Then let's hope for the sake of all mankind they haven't seen
Ken Bates.