"Joe Horowitz" <joe@tobermory.freeserve.co.uk> wrote:

>"Michael Cunningham" <superman@uksf.org.**NOSPAM**uk> wrote in message
>news:njei7.4872$s5.59759@news.indigo.ie...
>> > 1  1   2  --- Joe Horowitz.............. 84 24 28.2% 11.1% 10.6%
>> > 2 --- --- --- Michael Cunningham........ 83 28 37.4% 10.9% 10.5%
>>
>> Excellent.  Highest new entry and only kept off the top of the charts
>> by a bloody boy band.
>
>That's a bit harsh. I do write my own posts, you know. Very catchy posts
>they are too.

Indeed. Most of Usenet is cheerily rephrasing Horowitz's posts as we
speak. Cunningham's comeback single might have been eagerly awaited by
most of us, but the kids obviously wanted something else. They wanted
something fresh, something new. And behold, amidst the flames, amidst
all the spam and the hopeless newbies, out comes Horowitz, a star in
his own right.

It has been a truly strange week in the charts. Up-and-coming Croydon
rapper Mugger@!!!!!!! tried and failed to make an impact with his debut
release, Lern 2 Speel Stoopid. Meanwhile, RED DEVIL churned out the
usual manufactured country rock shit with the ninety-fifth installment
of his epic Everybody Who Disagrees With Me Smells Of Wee Especially
Cunningham Ner Ner Ner Ner Ner.

Paul Chan, now working as a double act with his hip-and-trendy cousin
Paul C, provided us with yet another chill-out anthem, entitled This
Song Is Three Minutes And Fourty Two Seconds (And Nine Tenths) In Length
And Includes Seventy Percent Vocals And Thirty One Percent Keyboard Solo
Please Bear In Mind That There Is A One Percent Margin Of Error. Nothing
to soothe the nerves like this ambient masterpiece, I tell you.

That sassy Scouser rock chick, Vicky Conlan, on the other hand, struck
a chord this week with her highly topical Oi Cunningham Stop Fighting
With That Wannabe Manc And Do The Bloody Ironing. Doc Gonz0 also made
a short appearance, his unique brand of death metal making a brief but
(typically) powerful impact on the midweek charts.

Maybe one day we shall return to the good old days, when Camel, Snaps,
Applegate et al formed a truly vibrant scene. We could forget memorable
tunes such as I Nominate This Post For The Archive or Man I'm Crap At
These Guessing Games? It's a shame they disappeared into obscurity, the
rock'n'roll lifestyle of drugs, groupies and felching becoming too much
for these hardened men. What followed was probably one of the darkest
periods most of us can remember, as The Sock Puppets dominated the charts
week after week, lead on by Liverpool svengali Paul Graham.

But thankfully, those days have come to an end, and we all await Alasdair
Allan's comeback release, F*** Off You F***ing C***ing C***stain. Rumour
has it that a bootleg copy of this single has been selling like hot
toast in the United States (hot toast being particularly unpopular over
there). So let it not be said that the music industry's in crisis. There
is hope for all of us.

--
"You vants to go outside? You vants to fisticuffs?"