Emperor Jose Mourniho The First of Stamford Bridge - reportedly planning a
800-ft-high bronze statue of himself astride the Thames following the Blues'
capture of the Premiership title on Saturday - now poses a threat to the
very fabric of time and space, frantic scientists warn.

Mourinho's legendary self-satisfaction attained such proportions after the
victory that boffins entrusted with monitoring potentially
planet-threatening egos say it might go "right off the scale". One
visibly-shaken man in a white coat and goggles said: "What concerns us is
what might happen if Chelsea take the Champions League. At present, we
believe Mourinho's ego might be kept in check by the emergency deployment of
nuclear weapons, but another trophy in the cupboard and it's Goodnight
Vienna, I'm afraid,"

Asked to clarify the threat, the trembling man continued: "Sporting egos are
measured in Fergusons. The average red-faced Scotsman will emit around one
Ferguson, rising to 1.5 Fergusons following a successful title campaign, and
perhaps peaking at two Fergusons for a few days after a triumphant treble.
However, Mourinho already registered a consistent two Fergusons before
Chelsea had even won a game. That's dangerously high - enough to trigger
sub-oceanic earthquakes thousands of miles away. On Saturday, however, our
equipment measured a momentary peak of 3.2. What worries us is that, were
the Blues to secure the European crown, he might red-needle it at five-plus
Fergusons."

Pausing momentarily to take a swig of pure vodka from his Liverpool FC mug,
the egg-headed scientist continued: "That would be catastrophic. The fabric
of space and time is simply not sufficently robust to survive the immense
power emanating from a super-inflated Portuguese ego. It's strong enough to
break apart the electromagnetic bond between quarks. That means a total
collapse at sub-atomic level as protons and neutrons literally fall apart.
We're looking at the entire universe reduced to a seething mass of
primordeal particles - a bit like cream of mushroom soup, but without
croutons, naturally."

Pressed as to how humanity might counter the hyper-inflated Mourinho ego
menace, the by-now-sobbing boffin concluded: "Just pray for a Liverpool
victory."